Random Ramblings from a Cluttered Cranium

Been a while...

2011-11-23T23:09:00.004-05:00

...and much has happened since last I wrote.

Jobs have been gotten, jobs have been lost (both my husband's, and mine). In November 2009 I lost my job of almost 12 years due to downsizing. I now make less than half of what I did then, but my current work has far more meaning to me than that ever did. For the last two years I've been working as a paraeducator in Autistic Support, first in middle school, now elementary. I'm not cut out for elementary, and on December 5th I'll be transferring within the agency to a new position as a 1:1 para in Multiple Disabilities Support. I'm very excited.

Dreams have been pursued, lost, changed, realized, and changed again. At the same time I lost my job I'd been going through a round of clomid, hoping to get pregnant. When I got my new job I put all that on hold due to the number of doctor appointments involved. The plan was to do another round of clomid the following summer when I'd be on break from work, but in April 2010 we decided not to follow through on fertility treatments and pursue foster parenting and adoption instead. On July 6 we got our first foster child, a 2 1/2-year-old boy with curly hair and catch phrases. On November 3, I got a big-fat-positive on a home pregnancy test. It was the best surprise ever. Three months later our foster son went to live with his father, and on June 29, 2011 we met our miracle baby. I waited 39 years for this amazing, smiley baby boy.

In true ADD fashion, I've just lost my train of thought and realized I was up WAY too late last night, so I'd better be off to bed.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Last year I was so thankful for the tiny life growing inside me, and this year I get to celebrate his first of many Thanksgivings. Life can be frustrating lately with job stress, the economy, and every other curveball that comes my way, yet I'm more thankful than ever.

Prayer Request Update!

2009-05-01T12:29:00.010-04:00

Wow. Just WOW.

Caleb's mom had this to say on Facebook at 11:00 last night:

It's just CONFIRMED BY MRI..THEY GOT IT ALL, THE TUMOR'S ALL GONE!!!! bye bye, zip, zero, nada, nothing left...THANK YOU JESUS, PRAISE HIM!!! the doctor's & nurses are all amazed & don't quite know what to do with us...Caleb is walking, talking, eating, moving all of his extremities and his smile is wonderful! Now we wait for more pathology & oncology to plan our next steps and wait on Jesus to tell them. :)

I just received this update via email from someone who had just spoken to Caleb's dad:

Caleb is on his way home from the hospital! He had an MRI today to make sure all the tumor was gone and it confirmed that it was all taken out by the second surgery. He continues to be able to move everything. Caleb recovered from surgery much quicker than normal. He was eating within hours of the surgery and has experienced minimal pain. In the days to come they will be doing pathology on the tissue that was taken out and determining future treatment, but regardless of the results, a positive outcome is expected.

They hadn't even expected to release him until Sunday. Unbelievable!!

Thank you, Jesus, for the doctors at CHOP, the amazing strength you have given to Caleb and his family, and answering the prayers of all of us.

Prayer works, people. God. Is. LOVE.

Prayer Request

2009-04-30T09:43:00.004-04:00

Please pray for Caleb, an 18-year-old boy who is having surgery at this moment to remove a malignant brain tumor. Caleb is the son of one the pastors at my church. This is the 2nd surgery he has had for this tumor, which is stage 3 and a fairly rare, aggressive form of cancer.

I'd like to write more, but I can't seem gather my thoughts. Jason Mitchell, our middle school pastor, wrote an excellent blog about this yesterday, so please check it out. Caleb's strength and faith through this ordeal have been truly inspirational.

Please keep Caleb in your prayers, as well as his family, the surgeons, and all involved in his surgery and treatment.

April is National Autism Awareness Month

2009-04-01T11:54:00.000-04:00

What would you like people to understand about your child/grandchild/student/friend with autism?

Intensive Programming for Students with Autism

2009-02-24T13:56:00.001-05:00

I'm doing a paper on the above for an Early Intervention class I'm taking right now. If anyone has a child on the autism spectrum and would be interested in providing input about the various therapies their child has received, please let me know.

You can email me directly if you prefer: npeace414(AT)gmail(DOT)com

Thanks!!

To rejoin or not to rejoin, that is the question.

2009-02-11T14:34:00.021-05:00

My weight has been a constant battle for me, probably since middle school. I've lost, regained, re-lost, and regained over and over again. Every time I regain the pounds, they bring their friends along and I end up weighing more than I did when I started.

The most I've ever lost was in 1999/2000. My friend was getting married, and I was one of the maids of honor. One night in June (1999) she and I went to look at bridesmaid dresses, along with a few of the other attendants. I was a size 26. The other girls ranged from sizes 2 through 8. It was ok until I came out of the dressing room and looked at myself in the mirror. For the rest of the time we were in the bridal shop, I bit back tears. When I got finally home, I just sobbed.

The next day, I joined Weight Watchers. I was so motivated and so disciplined that I lost 8 1/2 pounds in the first week. By the time Michelle's wedding came around I had lost 62 pounds. My dress was so big on me they had to take it apart and practically rebuild it. It was WONDERFUL.

Me & Michelle, June 2000
(not the rebuilt dress, but you get the idea)

Me & my brother, Christmas 2000

I kept the weight off for a little while, but over time, with help from various factors, it all came creeping back. And, as usual, it's brought friends. Today I weigh about 25 pounds more than I did the day I'd joined Weight Watchers in 1999.

Larry, Lucas & me, October 2008

I've tried to lose weight again several times since, but never with the same resolve that I'd had back then. I've struggled with not caring, then "I am the way God made me; God doesn't make mistakes" and now... "I should be taking better care of the body God gave me." Someone else recently put it this way - she doesn't feel she can do God's work if she isn't taking care of her body (I'm paraphrasing - I didn't write it down at the time).

Those last two statements are the ones I'm dwelling on now. I should be taking better care of the body God gave me. I'm not going to be able to do His work if my knees and back are causing me so much pain. This was very evident to me one night recently when I was serving at church and I'd needed to get up and down from the floor four or five times. How am I going to teach small children (or play with my own) if I can't move?? At 36, this should not be the enormous struggle that it is.

This realization should be enough to motivate me, right? Apparently not. I know HOW to lose weight. I know WHAT to do. So WHY don't I do it?

This has been weighing so heavily (no pun intended, but it sure fits) on my mind lately. I hate the way I feel. I see my reflection in a glass door and I hate the way I look. I see my face in my car window and think I look fat and angry. I am fat. And I am angry. I'm angry at myself, for not fixing this. I'm angry at myself for letting it get this bad in the first place. BUT... in church right now we're talking about change, and how we can't change ourselves but follow God and let Him make the changes within us. (I hope I'm getting that right... anyone??)

I debate about joining Weight Watchers again. It has to be the online version, because I don't have time for meetings (I'm in school 3 nights a week) and meetings cost so much more. I do this bit in my head: "I don't want to spend the money. I don't want to track every little thing I eat. I don't want to be limited." Then again, I don't want to go to work every day, but I do it because I have to.

So the question remains... do I rejoin, or do I not? Why is it such a difficult decision? Am I trying to change myself, or is this inner battle I seem to be having right now God's way of making the changes in me? And if that's the case... why am I resisting Him?

Prayer Request

2009-02-10T21:07:00.005-05:00

Friends of mine are going through a very hard time right now. I won't share their names, in the interest of privacy. They have six children; the three youngest were adopted through foster care. One of the twin boys they adopted has bipolar disorder, and today had to be admitted to an inpatient treatment program. He's five years old.

As difficult as this decision was for them, they had to do what was best to get him stabilized, and for the safety of the other children. I never knew until now that children could even be diagnosed with bipolar disorder, much less that it could be so, so bad. It seems, from what I've read, that it's even more difficult to treat in children than adults.

My heart breaks for this family. Fortunately, they have an amazing support system, and incredible faith that God has a plan and will pull them through this difficult time. If you believe in the power of prayer, please help me lift up this little guy and his family. I think they could use all the prayer they can get right now.

No matter what challenges I may be facing...

2009-02-09T09:35:00.005-05:00

...they pale in comparison to the what many people around me are dealing with.

I'd do well to remember that. Still... I feel like crying today. I'm not even sure what to pray for. I just can't find the words.

Introducing Cleo! -OR- How to hit the snooze button on your biological clock.

2009-01-26T09:10:00.008-05:00

This is our new Boxer pup, Cleo. She turned 8 weeks old yesterday.

Cleo!

It snowed today.

2009-01-19T18:23:00.001-05:00

From Home Sweet Home

Spring Semester

2009-01-07T13:52:00.006-05:00

Two days ago I was slightly dismayed to realize that there was only a week left to my Winter break. Now that I've gotten over the initial shock, I'm getting excited for my classes. It seems that, aside from a lab science, all the courses I need yet are my major requirements, which makes it much more interesting for me.

I'm not crazy about the schedule, as I'll be out of the house Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday evenings until almost 9pm, but I'm excited about the classes:

SPED 318: Special Education for Infants, Toddlers and Preschoolers with Developmental Disabilities
Examines the implications of federal mandates for providing educational and supportive services for infants/toddlers/preschoolers with disabilities and their families. Includes identification of, and leadership responsibilities of, personnel involved with infant and early intervention programs and assessing, analyzing and interpreting data from formal and informal sources to be utilized in developing the Individualized Family Service Plans (IFSPs) are discussed.

SPED 328: Formal and Informal Assessment in Special Education
The administration, scoring and interpretation of assessment devices typically used in psychometric evaluations are stressed. Critical evaluation of such devices in terms of reliability, validity and norming groups is also developed. The integration of the interpretive results of psychometric evaluation with behavioral observation, task analysis and other assessments developed in prerequisite courses is demonstrated.

EDUC 433: Gender & Race Issues in Children’s Literature
(No description in the catalog)

I'm FINALLY starting to see the light at the end of this tunnel... and so excited to get out of the office and into a classroom!

Smilebox: Our First Christmas

2008-12-27T00:20:00.003-05:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Chameleon Christmas Theater

2008-12-26T19:15:00.002-05:00

A short video of my brother's chameleon. :o)

Our Christmas So Far

2008-12-22T11:34:00.007-05:00

It was a wonderful, tear-free weekend. I don't really have time to write a decent post right now, but I wanted to share a slideshow of our Christmas so far.

Feels like Christmas came early!

2008-12-18T23:57:00.020-05:00

It has been a WONDERFUL day!

My husband started his new job this morning. It's part time, but it's work!

We got a new Christmas tree! I haven't put up a tree in about eight years, maybe more. Since it's our first Christmas together, and my first Christmas having a child in the house, we decided we should have a tree. So Larry got my old tree down from the attic yesterday, and last night we were going to assemble it so it would be ready to decorate with Lucas on Saturday. Opened the box - no stand. Missing. Now what? I was completely bummed.

So this evening I happened to stop in Linens 'n Things to see if they had any griddles left, since the store is closing soon. Well... just inside the door they had 7.5' pre-lit trees. They were originally $200, marked down 80% to $40. Had to get it. HAD TO. Never did go look for that griddle...

No tears at bedtime tonight!! Larry and I had a class at church tonight, so his mom babysat Lucas for us. We got home about 9:30 and he was still awake, of course, waiting for Daddy. So Larry went up and gave him a hug and a kiss, turned on his music for him, and got out of there before tears could start. And they never did. Nanny's babysitting again tomorrow night while we're at my office Christmas party. Wouldn't it be nice to have a repeat performance??

Just after 10:00 tonight I received an email from T's younger daughter. T is being moved to a rehabilitation center tomorrow, and T's older daughter may be having her baby by Christmas. What a fabulous couple of Christmas gifts for all of them!

I'd like to leave you with one final thought. With our current financial/job situation, we haven't been able to buy gifts for many people this year. In fact, I think Lucas is the only one we shopped for, and that includes not getting gifts for each other even though this is our first Christmas as a married couple. At first, this really bothered me - I love giving gifts at Christmas. But in a way it's been sort of liberating, and has allowed us to focus more on what the season is really about: Jesus. It's allowed us to take a step back and focus on how blessed we truly are. A friend of mine showed me this video a week or two ago, and I was really moved by it. It just fits so well with how I've been feeling, and so I wanted to share it here too.

In case I don't write again before... Merry Christmas, and may God bless you and your families!

Priceless

2008-12-15T13:34:00.002-05:00

Bag I wish I could buy at Fossil in NYC: $128.00

Lunch for three at Cafe Metro: $47.00

The look on my face when Mom says we need a wide-angle lens: Priceless

Counting My Blessings

2008-12-09T11:35:00.021-05:00

My husband amazes me. He loves me just as I am, makes me laugh every day, and is incredibly helpful around the house. If it weren't for the financial aspect, I could totally get used to him being at home. He does all the cleaning I hate to do!
Speaking of my husband... he found a job yesterday! It's only part time, but lots of people are having to take part time work right now because there's such a shortage of full time jobs. It's not enough to solve all our problems, but it'll do for now, and we're grateful for it.
Fall semester is almost over and I'm soooo ready for Winter break. Finals tomorrow and Friday, then I'm off til mid-January!
I have a job that pays well. I've been here for almost 11 years and I'm ready to move on (graduation can't get here fast enough), but in these hard economic times, when so many are out of work, I'm grateful to be employed.
I have great parents, stepparents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, all of whom I love very much, even if I don't call or visit often enough.
I have wonderful friends who have been there for me over so many years, and through so much junk, and love me even through my little quirks and scattered nature.
I am thankful that T is still with us. She is still in the ICU, had a trach tube inserted today to continue helping her breathe, and unfortunately had her right leg amputated a few inches below the knee today as well. But she is alive and we all love her and miss her and will continue to pray for her recovery.
I am thankful that my stepson is happy and healthy, and that we're making progress with the bedtime battles, even if it is just baby steps.
I am thankful for Facebook. Sound weird? I've reconnected with so many people through there and found an additional support system of other women - other moms - who can share their experiences and advice.
I am thankful that we have a home... a warm place and a roof over our heads. Not everyone has a place to sleep tonight.
I am thankful for my church and the wonderful people in it.
I am thankful for God, who loves me, forgives me, and amazes me more every day.

LCBC Worship - King of Heaven from Matt Goss on Vimeo.

Miscellaneous Musings

2008-12-04T11:18:00.014-05:00

11:19 A.M. Something I'm really looking forward to over Winter break: reading for pleasure.

11:22 A.M. Still thinking about this post on Jason Mitchell's blog: Give the Gift that Sucks

11:28 A.M. Totally excited about the CD release at LCBC this weekend! (Watch your volume on that CD link!)

11:32 A.M. I'm not sure my ADHD meds are working (LOL).

11:35 A.M. I wonder if it would be possible to get that new CD this weekend & take one to T in the hospital, w/ a little CD player?

12:10 P.M. Gotta head out to school... long way to go (24 mi round trip) and a lot of extra lunch time to make up (1 1/2 hrs) for 5 points of extra credit in Math. But I really, REALLY need every point I can get. I've GOT to be more focused next semester.

6:45 P.M. I'm up to three people from the nursery at church who want to go together and get the CD and player as a gift for T while she's in the hospital. I love my church!

6:47 P.M. I don't think my MIL likes me very much.

Following day, 1:37 P.M. Cranium clutter strikes again... never finished up this post. Got some new things on my mind today, so I'm gonna post this as-is and start fresh. Take that, ADD!

Kids & Attention-Getters

2008-12-03T15:02:00.008-05:00

A friend of mine is having some behavioral issues with her son, and for some reason this is stuck in my head. It's not all that relevant to the issues she's having, but it's in my head anyway, so I'll share it.

Before we got married, Larry would bring Lucas over to my place when he had him, and we'd all sit down to have dinner together. Every time we sat down at the table, Lucas, who was three years old at the time, would start to cry. It was puzzling, but even if Larry took him into the other room to talk to him about it, he wouldn't talk, just cry. The most we could figure was that he didn't want to eat what we were having. He wanted chicken nuggets & french fries, he didn't like what we were having, etc, etc. Most of the time he hadn't even tried the food yet. We weren't going to force-feed the boy something he honestly didn't like, but he had to at least try it.

One night I made chicken nuggets and french fries for dinner, for all of us. We sat down at the table, thinking all should be wonderful since this was his favorite thing, but just like before, Lucas started to cry.

I'd read about "extinction" and "planned ignoring" - completely ignoring undesired behaviors... and we'd tried talking to him, tried to comfort him in some way, but that certainly hadn't worked. We had tried before to ignore the behavior, but it worked on our nerves so much we couldn't do it. Still, we couldn't have him crying through dinner every night. We had to try this again. I said to Larry, "I-G-N-O-R-E him."

So while Lucas sat in his chair and cried, Larry and I began to eat and forced cheerful small talk between ourselves. Miracle of miracles, within a few minutes, Lucas stopped crying, played with his cup a little, and started to join in the conversation. Once his behavior wasn't getting attention anymore, he stopped it.

Has this worked with every other unacceptable behavior? I wish! But at least now we can sit down to dinner as a family without random tears.

As for the bedtime battles... we're still working on that one!

Great God

2008-11-25T15:11:00.010-05:00

Four days ago I started a post updating my woeful Wednesday with a fretful Friday.

How we didn't have Lucas for the weekend because he didn't want to leave his mom and wouldn't stay in his car seat (Buckle guard?? HA! I'll just climb out of the belt!). Larry finally had to just leave him there, since he can't very well drive 20+ miles with the boy not in a safety restraint. Sigh.
How my car didn't start Thursday night even though it started immediately after getting a new battery Thursday morning. My husband was still chauffeuring me. Oh, and then his car sucked up $270 for new rotors. Did I mention how we have one income (plus a teensy bit of unemployment compensation) right now?
How, more importantly, my friend T was still in the ICU, on a ventilator, in "grave condition".

I never finished the post. Just didn't get back to it. But TODAY... Oh, do I have wonderful news to report.

Last night, much to the shock of her daughters, T came off the ventilator. PRAISE GOD!!!

Just a little while ago I had an email from T's younger daughter, saying they had much to be thankful for. Three days ago the doctors put T's chance of recovery at less than 50%. Yesterday the doctors took her off the ventilator and dialysis, and she was able to quietly speak to her family for the first time in over a week. She's still on oxygen, and there's a long, hard recovery ahead, but she is breathing on her own.

So this Thanksgiving, T's daughters have so much extra to be thankful for. And I am so thankful for our church family, the many people who prayed their hearts out that T be healed, and God, who heard us calling.

Oh, and my car has run fine since Friday. Just like that.

That's faith, folks. Pure and simple.

God is good.

Woeful Wednesday: Prayers & Praise

2008-11-19T14:28:00.018-05:00

Things I am struggling with this week:

A friend of mine from church (we'll call her "T"), is in the hospital. She was taken in by ambulance on Saturday night due to Type A Flu, and Diabetic Acidosis. When I received word on Monday she was on a ventilator. Yesterday I found out she also has pneumonia, and her kidneys were not functioning. Last night the doctors in the Intensive Care Unit placed her in a drug-induced coma so her body can rest while they try to treat her. T is 41 and has three children - a son (21), and two daughters (17 and 18). Her older daughter is pregnant and due in about six weeks. Lord, please heal T... her family needs her.

My car wouldn't start this morning. For the last year or so it has groaned a little when starting in cold weather, and it has gotten cold here in the last few days. With our current income situation, we can't afford a big repair. I've already been a little on edge because inspection is due this month. So my husband drove me to school this morning, then picked me up and brought me to work. He and our neighbor will be trying to jump-start my car this afternoon. I just pray all it needs is a battery...

We have Lucas this weekend. Bedtime scares me.

Things I am thankful for today:

Our church family, who is praying for T and her family, and helping out with meals and cleaning.

Good neighbors. After Hector and my husband took an initial look at my car, Hector fixed our piece of rain spouting that's been swaying in the wind. Hector is a contractor, and also installed our new kitchen light, and is going to help us fix up our window frames and eventually put laminate flooring down in our living and dining rooms. Hector and family, you rock!!

Good health. It can be fragile. Protect it. (Now if only I could take my own advice...)

Good friends. Other moms who are there to give advice and support whenever you need it.

My husband, who is chauffeuring me today without complaint. Also, he brought me ice cream last night. :o)

The grace of God, who gets us through, even when we think it's impossible. Who forgives us when we stumble, and we stumble a lot. Thank you.

Things to remember today, this week, and always:

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." - Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

I Will Praise You in This Storm (song by Casting Crowns)

Blue Wednesday

2008-11-12T17:02:00.006-05:00

Once in a while, even though I have Jesus and Prozac, I still have one of those days where I just feel kind of down. Today is one of those days. Now that I think of it, yesterday was one of those days too.

Yesterday I think I would have given anything to just stay home with my husband, even though my husband is only home because he's still out of work. I ran out of vacation time in September, mostly because of school projects in the Spring that I had to take time off for. I really look forward to having options again on days like that.

Today... I think it's a combination of things. I'm tired. The holidays are coming. Christmas is coming and we only have one income. This isn't the best semester I've had.

I met with my adviser at school this morning and it hit me just a little harder that, in just over a year, I'll have to quit my job (yay!) and finish my last two semesters of school - professional block, then student teaching. Normally thinking about that makes me happy. So we're back to the one-income issue. I guess I'm scared to death that Larry won't find something that supports us well enough in that last year of school. I'm afraid something will happen (or WON'T happen) that keeps me from graduating.

And we have Lucas tonight. Thinking about the recent bedtime drama makes me dread going home, for fear of what tonight's bedtime might bring. So, again, I pray for peace...

I voted! Hope you did too.

2008-11-04T10:52:00.014-05:00

I know I'm not alone when I say that this has been one of the most exciting presidential races I've ever seen. I found myself more interested in, and more passionate about, political issues than ever before. Sure, part of it may be because I'm in my mid-30's now; suddenly it all starts to seem more and more important as we age and realize just how deeply issues affect us. But aside from that, knowing that the country is going to make history no matter which way the election turns out is pretty exciting (though potentially frightening).

Getting up in the morning is not one of my favorite things. Most days I end up running late to work or school, and it doesn't seem to matter what time I have to get up, or what time the alarm clock is set for. Today, however, I was up bright and early to get to my polling place by 7:00 and cast my vote for Barack Obama. OK, I admit I got there about 7:10, but I still consider that impressive for someone who curses the alarm each and every time she hits the snooze button.

I know a lot of people voting today for Obama. I also know a lot who disagree with me and are voting for McCain. I have my reasons for supporting Obama, and I know the main reason why some of my friends don't support him. Part of me has wanted to do a blog entry on all of my reasons, but the truth is that I've gotten tired of arguing. I understand what those who disagree with me are saying, and I've looked at (some of) the YouTube videos posted on Facebook, but I have stood firm with my decision and I feel good about it.

While we may not agree on the candidates or the issues, it's important that we all make our voices heard and make sure our votes count. And maybe it's just as important that we learn to respectfully disagree. I've read articles on so many web sites, and the public comments on those sites (and on YouTube) are really out of hand. People can't seem to disagree without being vulgur and hateful, and that's not going to help anyone in the end.

Finally, I also know I'm not alone when I say I'll be happy when the day is over. Won't it be great to watch television or listen to the radio again without the constant barrage of campaign ads?

Stepmother Struggles

2008-10-29T08:03:00.009-04:00

I became a stepmother on April 14, 2008. My husband has an adorable son named Lucas, who turned four just eight days before our wedding. Lucas and I have gotten along very well since Larry and I met, when Lucas was just a few months shy of being three years old. We have him every other weekend, and one night on the opposite weeks, and the transition to living at what was then "my" house went amazingly well.

Shortly after we got married we went to Lucas's mom's house and had dinner with her and her fiance, so we could all talk and make sure we were trying to be consistent with things across both homes. It went very well. At that time, Lucas had been giving her trouble at night - she told stories of crying, screaming, and kicking doors. I remember being so relieved at the time that he was going to bed well for us.

A little over a month ago, Lucas started giving us trouble at bedtime. He suddenly decided he wanted Daddy to sleep on his floor, and within minutes after going to bed, he cries. Some nights it starts the minute Larry stands up to leave the room. Then the crying turns to screaming. The screaming turns to opening his bedroom door and slamming it repeatedly against the wall. It's maddening. The first few times he did this, we tried to let it go for a while, but eventually Larry would go in and lay on the floor until Lucas went to sleep - usually a matter of minutes. But he's 4 1/2 and should be going to sleep on his own. Plus, if we do something like that here, it may carry over to his mother's house, and that isn't fair to her.

Two weeks ago Lucas's mom told us the way she finally got him over this in the Spring was that she just let him scream. Last weekend we tried that. Thursday night it went on for an hour, then he apologized and went to sleep. Friday night was worse, AND in the midst of his tantrums Lucas was banging his flashlight on his door, so now it's broken. Well... he doesn't need it anyway, really. We only got it for him the week before because we found out he has one in bed at his mom's house and thought it would help, but it didn't. His lamp is on anyway, so it's not even dark in his room. After more than two hours, we had to have mercy on our neighbors; Larry finally went in and laid on his floor. Saturday night I wasn't home at first. Thankfully, Lucas was asleep by the time I got there, but it apparently wasn't pretty. He wouldn't even stay in his room, so Larry finally had to lay on his floor again. And even that didn't work the first time he tried it that night.

Every day last weekend Lucas told me he was going to go to bed like a big boy, and each of the three nights we had him it was the same thing. By Sunday morning I had to tell him I'll believe it when I see it.

We know it's an attention thing, now we just have to work through it. I've been so thankful for my friends (some of whom I only talk to on Facebook, LOL) - other mothers who've been able to give me advice and encouragement. We have a plan of attack for at least keeping him in his room, but it won't be ready until next weekend. I think Larry has resigned himself to going in and laying on the floor when we have him tonight; there's only so much we can take. Hopefully by next weekend I can also have a sticker chart and some other plans in place.

So now here we are. The visits I used to look forward to are something I currently dread. And I love this child - I really do. But my nerves are shot, and knowing what is likely coming at bedtime each night he's with us right now has me tied up in knots. Every night I just pray for a peaceful bedtime. Wouldn't it be great if that started tonight?

My Faith Story, Part I

2008-10-13T22:21:00.004-04:00

I was raised Catholic. It seems like a lot of people's stories start out that way, doesn't it? I never liked going to church - it bored me. After I graduated from high school I got married at 19. We had a Catholic wedding, and every Sunday we went to church with his parents. It still bored me. We separated after 2 1/2 years of marriage and our divorce was final just a few days after our 3rd anniversary.

Shortly before my 24th birthday I was married for the 2nd time. We didn't go to church. Somewhere along the line I'd become uncertain that I even believed in God. My husband wasn't much of a believer either. Two years later, we separated and divorced. I was 26. It's not a period of my life I'm particularly proud of.

Sometime during my first marriage I'd begun to suffer from depression. From that time through the middle of 2002, I was taking prescription anti-depressants, and occasionally saw a therapist. I had no interest in going to church, but found the subjects of various religions interesting. I found myself especially interested in Paganism, and Wicca, but never quite interested or motivated enough to try to put anything into practice. I was even engaged again during that time, but realized it wouldn't work and broke off the engagement before we got married.

In late Winter/early Spring 2005, the depression came creeping back. In mid-June of that year I hit an all-time low. I would come home from work, go to bed, and sob. I wanted to die. I would be driving to or from my job and just envision myself slamming my foot on the gas pedal and speeding into a bridge or a pole. I was sure that death had to be easier than living.

Fortunately, I loved my family far too much to act on those thoughts. They never knew (until now, if anyone reads this) that things had gotten quite that bad. I realized I needed to go back on the anti-depressants.

During that time, my mother and my grandmother kept encouraging me to pray. What they didn't know is that I'd already started. I felt like I didn't know how, like I couldn't remember. Growing up in the Catholic church, I wasn't accustomed to just talking to God. We always had certain prayers we prayed, but I'd never just tried having a conversation with God. I decided to start looking for a church I could go to.

I knew I didn't want to go back to the Catholic church - it felt like there were too many rules, too many rituals. A few years earlier I'd visited a church or two, but just didn't feel comfortable. I tried another, but it just didn't seem much different from what I'd experienced in the past. A friend of mine suggested I try Lancaster County Bible Church (now LCBC - Lives Changed By Christ). She'd never been there herself, but she drove past it every day going to and from work and knew there was always something going on there. A short time later, another friend suggested I check it out, though she had never been there either. I decided to give it a try.

On October 30, 2005, I decided to check out a Sunday morning service. I had no idea what to expect, but I knew the place was huge, and I thought it seemed pretty intimidating. I thoroughly expected to hate it. I was caught completely by surprise.

It had taken me a while to figure out what to wear that morning, but one of the first things I noticed was that most people were wearing jeans. The auditorium was huge, and I found a seat in the upper level, where I could see everything and hopefully not be noticed.

There was a stage, not an alter, and it was set for a band rather than the organ or piano I had grown up hearing in church. Then the worship band started to play, and I was shocked to feel tears rolling down my cheeks. And it wasn't a hymn they were playing - it was a song you might hear on the radio. It might have been something by Switchfoot, though I don't remember anymore. David Ashcraft, the senior pastor, wasn't speaking that day, but Keith Walker was doing the sermon. He was wearing jeans and a shirt that wasn't tucked in and he was funny. I was laughing in church. After the service I walked around the atrium for a few minutes, checking things out. Instead of being intimidated by the size, I blended into the crowd. Nobody noticed that I had never been there before.

When I left LCBC that day, I felt better than I had in six months. I wasn't just feeling a little less depressed - I was actually happy. And I couldn't wait to go back.

To be continued...

My Faith is Not Blind

2008-10-07T11:24:00.015-04:00

Someone very dear to me recently brought up the subject of "blind faith" in her blog, mentioning how some who are "trained" to live this way by certain organized religions carry that practice over into matters such as politics.

I often comment on her blog posts, as she is a very intelligent, insightful, unique individual whom I love to death. The end part of this particular post, however, stirred me up a bit and it took me several days to formulate a reply that didn't come off entirely snarky. I hope I was successful. What I finally came up with was that faith in God isn't blind, but that human beings are flawed and applying that same degree of faith to people can be unwise, to say the least.

She and I have very different views, spiritually, and that's okay; I used to have a very different view myself. Thinking about how that recent post made me feel, it occurred to me that maybe I need to share my story. It might shed some light on why I have the faith in God that I do.

Dispelling Doubt

2008-10-06T12:43:00.001-04:00

If there's any doubt about the state of clutter in my cranium (those who know me well should have no doubts at all), know this: I've wanted to start blogging for a while now, but it's taken me several weeks just to come up with a title for this thing. Yeah, it's busy in there.