Stepmother Struggles

I became a stepmother on April 14, 2008. My husband has an adorable son named Lucas, who turned four just eight days before our wedding. Lucas and I have gotten along very well since Larry and I met, when Lucas was just a few months shy of being three years old. We have him every other weekend, and one night on the opposite weeks, and the transition to living at what was then "my" house went amazingly well.

Shortly after we got married we went to Lucas's mom's house and had dinner with her and her fiance, so we could all talk and make sure we were trying to be consistent with things across both homes. It went very well. At that time, Lucas had been giving her trouble at night - she told stories of crying, screaming, and kicking doors. I remember being so relieved at the time that he was going to bed well for us.

A little over a month ago, Lucas started giving us trouble at bedtime. He suddenly decided he wanted Daddy to sleep on his floor, and within minutes after going to bed, he cries. Some nights it starts the minute Larry stands up to leave the room. Then the crying turns to screaming. The screaming turns to opening his bedroom door and slamming it repeatedly against the wall. It's maddening. The first few times he did this, we tried to let it go for a while, but eventually Larry would go in and lay on the floor until Lucas went to sleep - usually a matter of minutes. But he's 4 1/2 and should be going to sleep on his own. Plus, if we do something like that here, it may carry over to his mother's house, and that isn't fair to her.

Two weeks ago Lucas's mom told us the way she finally got him over this in the Spring was that she just let him scream. Last weekend we tried that. Thursday night it went on for an hour, then he apologized and went to sleep. Friday night was worse, AND in the midst of his tantrums Lucas was banging his flashlight on his door, so now it's broken. Well... he doesn't need it anyway, really. We only got it for him the week before because we found out he has one in bed at his mom's house and thought it would help, but it didn't. His lamp is on anyway, so it's not even dark in his room. After more than two hours, we had to have mercy on our neighbors; Larry finally went in and laid on his floor. Saturday night I wasn't home at first. Thankfully, Lucas was asleep by the time I got there, but it apparently wasn't pretty. He wouldn't even stay in his room, so Larry finally had to lay on his floor again. And even that didn't work the first time he tried it that night.

Every day last weekend Lucas told me he was going to go to bed like a big boy, and each of the three nights we had him it was the same thing. By Sunday morning I had to tell him I'll believe it when I see it.

We know it's an attention thing, now we just have to work through it. I've been so thankful for my friends (some of whom I only talk to on Facebook, LOL) - other mothers who've been able to give me advice and encouragement. We have a plan of attack for at least keeping him in his room, but it won't be ready until next weekend. I think Larry has resigned himself to going in and laying on the floor when we have him tonight; there's only so much we can take. Hopefully by next weekend I can also have a sticker chart and some other plans in place.

So now here we are. The visits I used to look forward to are something I currently dread. And I love this child - I really do. But my nerves are shot, and knowing what is likely coming at bedtime each night he's with us right now has me tied up in knots. Every night I just pray for a peaceful bedtime. Wouldn't it be great if that started tonight?