...they pale in comparison to the what many people around me are dealing with.
I'd do well to remember that. Still... I feel like crying today. I'm not even sure what to pray for. I just can't find the words.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Monday, February 9, 2009
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Blue Wednesday
Once in a while, even though I have Jesus and Prozac, I still have one of those days where I just feel kind of down. Today is one of those days. Now that I think of it, yesterday was one of those days too.
Yesterday I think I would have given anything to just stay home with my husband, even though my husband is only home because he's still out of work. I ran out of vacation time in September, mostly because of school projects in the Spring that I had to take time off for. I really look forward to having options again on days like that.
Today... I think it's a combination of things. I'm tired. The holidays are coming. Christmas is coming and we only have one income. This isn't the best semester I've had.
I met with my adviser at school this morning and it hit me just a little harder that, in just over a year, I'll have to quit my job (yay!) and finish my last two semesters of school - professional block, then student teaching. Normally thinking about that makes me happy. So we're back to the one-income issue. I guess I'm scared to death that Larry won't find something that supports us well enough in that last year of school. I'm afraid something will happen (or WON'T happen) that keeps me from graduating.
And we have Lucas tonight. Thinking about the recent bedtime drama makes me dread going home, for fear of what tonight's bedtime might bring. So, again, I pray for peace...
Yesterday I think I would have given anything to just stay home with my husband, even though my husband is only home because he's still out of work. I ran out of vacation time in September, mostly because of school projects in the Spring that I had to take time off for. I really look forward to having options again on days like that.
Today... I think it's a combination of things. I'm tired. The holidays are coming. Christmas is coming and we only have one income. This isn't the best semester I've had.
I met with my adviser at school this morning and it hit me just a little harder that, in just over a year, I'll have to quit my job (yay!) and finish my last two semesters of school - professional block, then student teaching. Normally thinking about that makes me happy. So we're back to the one-income issue. I guess I'm scared to death that Larry won't find something that supports us well enough in that last year of school. I'm afraid something will happen (or WON'T happen) that keeps me from graduating.
And we have Lucas tonight. Thinking about the recent bedtime drama makes me dread going home, for fear of what tonight's bedtime might bring. So, again, I pray for peace...
Monday, October 13, 2008
My Faith Story, Part I
I was raised Catholic. It seems like a lot of people's stories start out that way, doesn't it? I never liked going to church - it bored me. After I graduated from high school I got married at 19. We had a Catholic wedding, and every Sunday we went to church with his parents. It still bored me. We separated after 2 1/2 years of marriage and our divorce was final just a few days after our 3rd anniversary.
Shortly before my 24th birthday I was married for the 2nd time. We didn't go to church. Somewhere along the line I'd become uncertain that I even believed in God. My husband wasn't much of a believer either. Two years later, we separated and divorced. I was 26. It's not a period of my life I'm particularly proud of.
Sometime during my first marriage I'd begun to suffer from depression. From that time through the middle of 2002, I was taking prescription anti-depressants, and occasionally saw a therapist. I had no interest in going to church, but found the subjects of various religions interesting. I found myself especially interested in Paganism, and Wicca, but never quite interested or motivated enough to try to put anything into practice. I was even engaged again during that time, but realized it wouldn't work and broke off the engagement before we got married.
In late Winter/early Spring 2005, the depression came creeping back. In mid-June of that year I hit an all-time low. I would come home from work, go to bed, and sob. I wanted to die. I would be driving to or from my job and just envision myself slamming my foot on the gas pedal and speeding into a bridge or a pole. I was sure that death had to be easier than living.
Fortunately, I loved my family far too much to act on those thoughts. They never knew (until now, if anyone reads this) that things had gotten quite that bad. I realized I needed to go back on the anti-depressants.
Shortly before my 24th birthday I was married for the 2nd time. We didn't go to church. Somewhere along the line I'd become uncertain that I even believed in God. My husband wasn't much of a believer either. Two years later, we separated and divorced. I was 26. It's not a period of my life I'm particularly proud of.
Sometime during my first marriage I'd begun to suffer from depression. From that time through the middle of 2002, I was taking prescription anti-depressants, and occasionally saw a therapist. I had no interest in going to church, but found the subjects of various religions interesting. I found myself especially interested in Paganism, and Wicca, but never quite interested or motivated enough to try to put anything into practice. I was even engaged again during that time, but realized it wouldn't work and broke off the engagement before we got married.
In late Winter/early Spring 2005, the depression came creeping back. In mid-June of that year I hit an all-time low. I would come home from work, go to bed, and sob. I wanted to die. I would be driving to or from my job and just envision myself slamming my foot on the gas pedal and speeding into a bridge or a pole. I was sure that death had to be easier than living.
Fortunately, I loved my family far too much to act on those thoughts. They never knew (until now, if anyone reads this) that things had gotten quite that bad. I realized I needed to go back on the anti-depressants.
During that time, my mother and my grandmother kept encouraging me to pray. What they didn't know is that I'd already started. I felt like I didn't know how, like I couldn't remember. Growing up in the Catholic church, I wasn't accustomed to just talking to God. We always had certain prayers we prayed, but I'd never just tried having a conversation with God. I decided to start looking for a church I could go to.
I knew I didn't want to go back to the Catholic church - it felt like there were too many rules, too many rituals. A few years earlier I'd visited a church or two, but just didn't feel comfortable. I tried another, but it just didn't seem much different from what I'd experienced in the past. A friend of mine suggested I try Lancaster County Bible Church (now LCBC - Lives Changed By Christ). She'd never been there herself, but she drove past it every day going to and from work and knew there was always something going on there. A short time later, another friend suggested I check it out, though she had never been there either. I decided to give it a try.
On October 30, 2005, I decided to check out a Sunday morning service. I had no idea what to expect, but I knew the place was huge, and I thought it seemed pretty intimidating. I thoroughly expected to hate it. I was caught completely by surprise.
It had taken me a while to figure out what to wear that morning, but one of the first things I noticed was that most people were wearing jeans. The auditorium was huge, and I found a seat in the upper level, where I could see everything and hopefully not be noticed.
There was a stage, not an alter, and it was set for a band rather than the organ or piano I had grown up hearing in church. Then the worship band started to play, and I was shocked to feel tears rolling down my cheeks. And it wasn't a hymn they were playing - it was a song you might hear on the radio. It might have been something by Switchfoot, though I don't remember anymore. David Ashcraft, the senior pastor, wasn't speaking that day, but Keith Walker was doing the sermon. He was wearing jeans and a shirt that wasn't tucked in and he was funny. I was laughing in church. After the service I walked around the atrium for a few minutes, checking things out. Instead of being intimidated by the size, I blended into the crowd. Nobody noticed that I had never been there before.
There was a stage, not an alter, and it was set for a band rather than the organ or piano I had grown up hearing in church. Then the worship band started to play, and I was shocked to feel tears rolling down my cheeks. And it wasn't a hymn they were playing - it was a song you might hear on the radio. It might have been something by Switchfoot, though I don't remember anymore. David Ashcraft, the senior pastor, wasn't speaking that day, but Keith Walker was doing the sermon. He was wearing jeans and a shirt that wasn't tucked in and he was funny. I was laughing in church. After the service I walked around the atrium for a few minutes, checking things out. Instead of being intimidated by the size, I blended into the crowd. Nobody noticed that I had never been there before.
When I left LCBC that day, I felt better than I had in six months. I wasn't just feeling a little less depressed - I was actually happy. And I couldn't wait to go back.
To be continued...
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